There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
