If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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