I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
