Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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