I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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