I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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