Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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