Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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