Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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