Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
