I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
