she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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