I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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