Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
