I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Randomize