We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
