My first STD was from a foam party
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
