My room smells like vodka and shame
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
