I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
