I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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