Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
