2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
