there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
