If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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