just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
