My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
