She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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