This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Randomize
