Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
