I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
