8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
