He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
