naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I love having hate sex.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
