Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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