Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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