My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
