Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
