I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
