Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
