explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
