just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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