I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
