the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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