I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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