the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
