I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
