id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
