Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
