I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
