Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize