umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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