I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
