I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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