: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize