my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
