wanna go halves on a baby?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
