I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
