Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
