Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
